Why I Quit Chess and Accidentally Fixed My Doom Scrolling
I am really bad at chess. Like embarrassingly bad. So bad, in fact, that I’ve beaten my 12-year-old son exactly once… when he was five.
Chess is incredibly difficult for me. It’s slow and drawn out, with games being played mentally for twelve steps before a single move is ever made on the board. I find it boring and mentally underwhelming. And yet, despite my general dislike for the game, I decided chess was the answer to curbing my doom scrolling.
The plan was to install a chess app, pay for the upgrade to avoid ads, and then, when I reached for my phone out of habit, I’d play chess instead. All those games would make me a better chess player. I’d beat my kid. I’d actually be able to play against my husband.
It started out well. Every night, instead of scrolling, I logged into the chess app. I watched the daily lesson, played a few puzzles, and then played a couple of games. While I enjoyed the lessons and the puzzles, which were quick, timed challenges where you solved a prompt as fast as possible, I did not enjoy the actual games.
With every loss, I cringed.
How was my rating still so low?
Why wasn’t I making any progress?
How come I could never remember when to apply en passant and only remembered to castle when it was already too late?
UGH.
My brain would frequently scream: Why are you so bad at this?!?!
Eventually, I started avoiding the chess app altogether and went straight back to scrolling.
Because this was a habit I desperately wanted to break, I tried to find something I genuinely liked doing more than scrolling.
Cue the NYT Games app.
The daily puzzles are one of my favorite morning routines, and I was genuinely bummed when the Mini went behind a paywall. Hoping the crossword would cure my woes, I downloaded the app, paid for the upgrade, and voilà…problem solved.
Having access to the full games archive is especially satisfying. If one puzzle gets solved too quickly, I can just play another.
Around the same time, I decided to replace doom scrolling with useful information and bought two anatomy apps.
One is essentially a deep-dive atlas of the human body, structured like flashcards but with the ability to isolate bones or muscles, zoom in on organs, and follow nerves through the body. I love it.
The other is a strength training app with endless variations of exercises. A skinless model demonstrates each movement so you can see individual muscles firing, and there are different modules related to strength training and skill development. It’s practical, lets me follow my curiosity without overwhelm, and frequently jogs my memory on exercises my trainer has programmed that I’ve completely forgotten how to do.
I use both apps regularly, on my own and with clients.
Unlike chess, which left me feeling like a totally unmotivated dumb-dumb, these games and anatomy apps work with how my brain works, not against it.
When I worked at Spine and Sports Therapy down in Houston, the Docs had everyone read StrengthsFinder 2.0. The book included an assessment that identified your greatest strengths.
Unlike most self-help advice at the time, this book advocated focusing on strengths rather than weaknesses. There wasn’t even a “weaknesses” section in the assessment.
Instead of putting all your energy into “fixing the shit you’re bad at,” authors Clifton and Buckingham argued that we should focus on developing our innate talents, because weaknesses will never grow as much as natural strengths anyway.
This book changed my life.
There’s also something in economics called the Pareto Principle, which has been enthusiastically co-opted by the self-help world. In short, about 80% of outcomes come from 20% of inputs. In layman’s terms: when we focus on what we’re naturally good at and genuinely interested in, we tend to get disproportionately great results.
This isn’t all woo-woo nonsense. Any elementary school teacher will tell you that humans are more motivated and pay better attention to things they’re interested in. It turns out this applies to habits, too.
When we build habits that align with our interests and strengths, we’re far more likely to keep them. They don’t require willpower, self-control, guilt, shame, manipulation, or discipline for discipline’s sake. Interest does the heavy lifting.
My top strengths are adaptability and quick thinking, not long-term strategic planning. When I stopped trying to be a chess person and leaned fully into being a nerdy puzzle-and-anatomy geek, I cut my daily phone use in half.
Not through some heroic display of willpower, but by aligning with what I already enjoy and do well.
We spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to “fix” ourselves. We make resolutions, create plans, and force habits that look great on paper but don’t actually fit who we are. How often have we felt bad for not enjoying things we should enjoy, simply because they’re trendy, productive-looking, or culturally approved?
Real, lasting change doesn’t come from doing what we think we should be doing.
Motivation comes from digging into what already lights us up.
This is true almost everywhere: school, work, relationships, exercise, diet, hobbies.
When you focus on what naturally holds your attention, what you actually want to do, you don’t have to tap into the tiny, finite reservoir of human willpower. You don’t need to trick or bribe yourself. The behavior changes because the friction disappears.
It’s also a lot easier to do things you’re good at.
I don’t have to try really really hard to still be terrible at chess. With a little effort, I can be great at crosswords.
The same 80/20 thinking applies to movement.
When we force ourselves into workouts we don’t enjoy, we end up miserable, resent exercise, and rely on a dwindling supply of willpower. But when we move in ways we enjoy, ways that feel interesting and good, movement becomes sustainable, and consistency becomes the default.
For me, that sweet spot is trail running, Pilates, and strength training. That’s where joy, challenge, and curiosity align. It’s also what allows room for movement that’s purely fun, like ballroom dancing and paddleboarding, and movement that’s purely challenging, like mountain biking and hiking 14’ers.
None of this is accidental. It’s the intentional result of paying attention to what I like, what my body responds to, and what fits into my life. And cutting out everything else without guilt.
If you’ve been spinning your wheels and burning through willpower when it comes to exercise, pause and ask yourself what you’re actually doing…and what you actually love.
Are you tracking 10,000 steps every day out of obligation? Could you hike, walk, roller skate, run, swim, skateboard, or bike instead?
Are you grinding through endless HIIT classes because you feel like you have to? What about kickboxing, TRX, or a slower, more intentional strength program?
Are you doing yoga because everyone tells you it’s good for you? Have you tried tai chi, meditation, Pilates, or good old-fashioned stretching instead?
Movement doesn’t have to be on trend or look a certain way to count.
It just has to work for you.
80-20 Alignment…not endless discipline.
Until next time, friends.
-Rubecca
The 7 Types of Rest (and Why Sleep Isn’t Always the Answer)
We talk about exhaustion like it has one solution: sleep more.
While sleep absolutely matters, it turns out it’s often not the kind of rest we’re actually missing.
When I first learned there are seven distinct types of rest, it stopped me in my tracks. It explained so much about why so many of us feel bone tired, even when we’re technically “doing everything right” and getting 8 hours of sleep per night.
Turns out, more sleep isn’t always the answer.
More intentional rest usually is.
Why We’re So Bad at Treating Exhaustion
As I went down the research rabbit hole, something became painfully clear:
Most advice for managing exhaustion is… wildly off.
“Self-care” advice aimed at women often boils down to massages, pedicures, and bubble baths. Men are told to stretch after lifting and maybe eat a vegetable. Not once did I see an article mention that there are multiple types of rest and that the wrong kind of rest won’t help you feel rested at all.
Speaking from experience, massages and pedicures do absolutely nothing for my exhaustion. Sometimes they make it worse, because now I’m still tired and annoyed that I spent a bunch of money trying to fix something that didn’t work.
That spiral usually ends with guilt and self-doubt:
Why didn’t that help? What’s wrong with me?
Turns out: nothing.
I just wasn’t tired in the way those things address.
Rest vs. Self-Care (They’re Not the Same)
Rest can be a form of self-care…but not all self-care is rest.
At its most basic, self-care is everything that supports health and functioning: eating, hygiene, boundaries, relationships. Eating vegetables and flossing are self-care. They are not rest.
Rest is about reducing load on specific systems in the body and nervous system. If you’re exhausted, choosing the wrong type of “self-care” won’t restore you, no matter how aesthetic it looks on social media.
The 7 Types of Rest
The seven types of rest are:
Physical
Mental
Emotional
Spiritual
Creative
Sensory
Social
Most of us are depleted in several at once.
Here’s a practical breakdown.
Physical Rest
This is the one we usually think of first: sleep, naps, stretching, gentle movement.
For active folks and athletes, one of the clearest signs you need physical rest is persistent soreness or declining performance. You cannot fix that by training harder. You fix it by resting.
The sweet spot is a combination of:
Passive rest (sleep, naps, days off)
Active rest (Pilates, yoga, stretch therapy)
That pairing can completely change how your body recovers.
Mental Rest
Mental rest means giving your brain a break from constant stimulation and expectation.
This can look like:
Meditation
Social media breaks
Time outside
Better time boundaries and fewer “always on” demands
When the brain never gets a pause, we see mental fog, irritability, poor sleep, and feeling overwhelmed by normal daily tasks. Your brain was never designed to fire at 100% all the time. Turns out our moms were right. Boredom is good for your brain and our constant state of mental stimulation through our phones, laptops and devices is draining us.
Emotional Rest
Emotional rest is the ability to be honest about how you’re actually doing and to feel your feelings without performing, fixing, or people-pleasing.
It often requires:
Stronger boundaries
Saying no
Stepping back from emotionally draining situations
Being truthful instead of “fine”
If you’re navigating chronic stress—caregiving, health issues, financial strain, relationship challenges—emotional rest can feel impossible. But it often starts very small:
Taking a break from news or social media
Saying “I’m not okay today”
Declining a request you don’t have capacity for
Acknowledging that you’re tired, sad, or overwhelmed
Small honesty creates space. Space creates rest.
Spiritual Rest
Spiritual rest isn’t just religious practice. It’s about connection and meaning.
If you’re feeling disconnected, ungrounded, or purposeless, spiritual rest can come from:
Community
Service
Nature
Practices that remind you you’re part of something bigger
Creative Rest
Creative rest is reconnecting with wonder and inspiration.
It can be hiking, painting, watching a bee pollinate a flower, or sitting in an audience instead of producing something. It’s about receiving, not output.
One thing worth naming here: hustle culture has convinced us that every hobby should be monetized. The moment a hobby becomes income, it stops being restorative. It becomes work.
Creative rest requires permission to:
Be messy
Be bad at something
Create without outcomes
Scribble. Play. Make something pointless. Go outside. Get messy.
Sensory Rest
Sensory overload happens when the brain takes in more stimulation than it can process: screens, noise, lights, notifications, constant input.
When this happens, the nervous system shifts into fight, flight, or freeze.
Sensory rest is the antidote:
Screen breaks
Quiet walks
Driving without music
Soft lighting
Stillness
Fun side note: boredom is a powerful creativity trigger. Your brain needs low stimulation to reset.
Social Rest
Social rest isn’t isolation. It’s spending time with people who don’t require performance.
Too much social rest leads to loneliness. Too little leads to exhaustion. The goal is connection without curation.
In a world of highlight reels, being fully seen, all of our messy bits included, is deeply restorative.
Why the 7 Types of Rest Matter at Pilates Native
Pilates Native is built on three pillars: Rest, Recover, Restore. Rest comes first for a reason.
Injury prevention starts with rest
Overuse injuries come from overexertion. Chronic fatigue leads to compensations, poor muscle recruitment, and burnout…which leads directly to injury.(Yes, this is literally our specialty.)
Your nervous system drives everything
If your nervous system is overstimulated, your training will suffer. A fried brain can’t coordinate efficient movement.Movement is medicine
The body is designed to move. Pilates and stretch therapy support circulation, joint health, breath, and nervous system regulation, without adding more stress.
Yes, I Spreadsheeted This
While mapping the seven rest types, I noticed a lot of overlap, so obviously, I made a spreadsheet.
The most efficient rest practices across multiple categories.
Taking breaks from social media
Going outside
Taking intentional breaks throughout the day
During this experiment, my phone died for five days. No warning. No backup. Just… gone.
While running a business. With my spouse out of town. During back-to-school chaos.
And somehow?
I slept better. I felt calmer. I had more actual downtime.
Since then, I’ve been far more intentional with screen limits, which does mean I’m sometimes slower to respond.
If you want to explore this more deeply, I’ve created a super basic and non-fancy downloadable 11×14 PDF mapping all seven types of rest and how to access them.
And I’d love to know:
Which type of rest do you need most right now?
See you soon,
– R
Trust…but Verify…a Millennial’s thoughts on Misinformation
I am solidly Millennial. Drank from the hose. Rode my bike everywhere, grew up outside sunup to sun down. Had to visit the library for stable internet and was in college when MySpace made it’s debut. This means my relationship with social media is tricky. I don’t always understand how and why certain people are famous and paid to be online. The weird dances cringe me out and I’ve seen multiple Pilates/Yoga/Stretch folks follow a very clear trajectory from online fitness coach using socials to drum up business to using their socials to promote their Only Fans. I also refuse to believe the hilarious videos of bears jumping on trampolines are AI and not real bears who are just so curious and impulsive.
Every now and then, I come across a post on Facebook or Instagram that makes me step back and decide it’s time for a social media break. This last one just baffled me and made me wonder about the lack of critical thinking skills across social media and who we accept as authority in information.
This is a fairly innocuous and silly story but it really opened my eyes to how quickly misinformation at all levels spreads.
On a local Facebook group, someone posted that they were looking for pool recommendations because the local rec center was not offering swim hours during the fall. I had two problems with this post immediately.
I actually go to the rec center they referenced and know for a fact that the indoor pool is open year long and has the same hours as the rec center. I’d even actually been at the rec that morning and hadn’t seen a single sign or notice about changing pool hours.
It doesn’t make sense from a business perspective that the rec center would close the indoor pool for the season and without a particular reason. Why would this resource sit completely unused for months at a time?
Multiple people immediately jumped in to the comments with their favorite gyms + pools, others thanked the OP for the notice and several folks, including myself, posted that the rec center pool was in fact open year round. The Original Poster (OP) commented on my comment and double downed that the pool was closed for the fall.
Because I’m an engineer and live by the motto “trust but verify”, I checked the rec center website to make sure that I wasn’t wrong and passing along bad info. On the website, in big bold letters above the pool calendar, it said “Pool schedule released every 7-10 days”. On the calendar itself, the schedule had 10 days posted and the following days were blank. Seeing this, I could instantly understand how if they hadn’t read the disclaimer directly above the calendar, the person had come to their conclusion that the pool was closed for the fall.
But rather than reading the rest of the webpage, calling the rec center to clarify or even asking the front desk staff during one of their visits, they went straight to Facebook and announced to the community that the pool was closed.
When challenged with this being misinformation, they doubled down.
And now there is a post out there in the world that confidently states that the local rec center pool is closed for the fall.
This is a super small example, but it’s easy to see how someone posting confidently was taken immediately as an authority on the subject, despite being wrong.
And that’s exactly how misinformation happens. Someone posts confidently, a few people nod along, and suddenly it’s truth.
No sources, no logic, no critical thinking. Just loud posts.
The fitness world is very similar. Some good looking influencer with perfect lighting, great hair and a perfect outfit declares that “Pilates shakes are the secret to long, lean muscles,” or my personal favorite “I did this one exercise every day and now my back pain is totally gone!”. Boom! Social media trend is born. Never mind that the “shake” is literally just your muscles working hard or a nervous system overload. It’s not the end-all-be-all, it’s not a fitness goal, and it’s not good for your body to train to the shakes every time you exercise. And let’s not even start with the “one magic exercise posts”.
Unfortunately, the algorithm feeds on bright shiny things, not correct things.
I’ve written before about how influencers use “correction impulse” to purposely raise engagement by knowingly posting incorrect information. Unfortunately, that incorrect information gets liked, shared, and before you know it, everyone’s chasing butt tremors instead of actual strength.
Most of us aren’t trying to spread bad information. We just don’t know what we don’t know and it’s easier to scroll and believe than to pause, read, and verify.
Here are a few tools to help you vet those fitness posts for truth.
How to “Trust…But Verify” Fitness Info
1. Check the source.
Is the info coming from a verified source? A certified instructor or licensed professional, for example, or just a really hot chic in booty shorts? Does the person have actual credentials like NPCP, NASM, ACE, ACSM, CSCS, certified Pilates instructor, degreed nutritionist, etc? Or are their only credentials six-pack abs?
2. Look for the “how” and the “why”.
Misinformation thrives on quick fixes and magical claims: “You’ll feel it instantly!” or “This one move changed my life!”
Good educators explain why something works and how to do it safely.
Science and experience may sound more like: “Here’s what this targets, here’s how to modify, and here’s when it might not be right for you.”
3. Beware of absolute language.
A good fitness professional knows that people are too complex for one-size-fits-all advice. “This one move”, or words like always, never, best, worst, only, “the secret xyz professionals don’t want you know” are all red flags.
Real professionals will provide ranges and nuances, not absolutes.
4. What are they selling?
Follow the money. Fitness tips leading directly to a product link are sus. Is this an actual product that the person uses, stands by and supports? Or is this a quick marketing ploy?
5. Does it make any f*cking sense?
Let’s go back to the post about the pool being closed for the fall. Does it make sense that the rec center would close an indoor pool for months at a time and lose clients, income and waste resources?
Critical thinking is the best tool you can use to vet social media posts.
6. Verify before you share.
Even well-meaning reposts can fuel misinformation. Before you share a “Pilates tip” or “science-backed hack,” check the source, read the caption carefully, and maybe even look for the research behind it.
Before we start chasing our next “booty burn,” maybe we channel our inner engineer and trust but verify.
The truth isn’t always trending online. But it’s the thing that keeps people safe, strong and actually progressing. Sometimes the pool is still open and social media posts are just bullshit.
Until next time,
-R
Saying No to Say Yes
Posted on March 22, 2025 by pilatesnative
When I left engineering a few years ago, an opportunity popped up to serve on the board for my son’s school. The school was in the process of expanding their preK-6th grade program to include a 7th and 8th grade middle school program. The expansion included purchasing and renovating an old church into the middle school building. After touring several other Montessori middle and high schools, I was stoked to help with this expansion. With just a few months left in my three year term, the middle school is thriving as it preps to enter its third school year in the fall.
As a board, we each volunteer anywhere from 3-5 hours a month for board meetings, strategic planning sessions and various committees. Many of the board members also volunteer in the classrooms, help out out on field trips, man the morning carline, reshelve books in the library, and help with a lot of other volunteer tasks. A few months ago, we were surprised by an anonymous letter from a community member criticizing the board for “not doing enough”. The letter didn’t include any specific details. No examples, no clear concerns, no events we’d skipped, just a vague call for more.
In all honesty, my first reaction was annoyance. How do you address concerns when you don’t even know what they are? How do you improve when there’s nothing concrete to work with? How do you address a complaint telling you to do more when you’re already doing a lot?
But after a long run a few days later, I had another reaction. This letter, instead of making me want to do more, made me pause and take stock of everything I was already doing.
The Reality of My Commitments
At the time, my life looked something like this:
Running two businesses: Pilates Native and The Essential Variable
Teaching Pilates Instructor Training
Co-hosting the Movers & Healers meetups
Taking on contract work as a Welding Engineer
Serving on the school board as the BOD secretary
Leading the 4-H bee group with my husband and maintaining the 4-H beehive
Attending a 15 week Intro to Farming class on Wednesdays after work
Taking ballroom dance lessons twice a week
Maintaining a 5-6 day workout routine that strength training, running, and Pilates
And, most importantly, balancing my role as a family member, whether that’s as a wife, daughter, aunt, sister, or mom
A Lesson from My 20s: The Burnout Trap
In my early 20s, I was stuck in a massive injury cycle. Run, injury, rest, recover, run, injury. Over and over again. No matter how much I rested, iced, or did recovery work, I ended up limping or in pain. Dr. DeWalch, the Dr. I worked for at Spine & Sports Therapy, sat me down and gave me a gentle but firm talk on overcommitting myself and the importance of using my energy wisely to avoid burnout. It wasn’t the amount of running that was trapping me on the injury cycle, it was my tendency to get so excited about life that it led to overcommitting myself and burning out. That burnout showed up as endless injuries.
After work one day, we sat down together and he had me write down my entire weekly schedule, day by day, hour by hour. In a list next to that schedule, he had me write down everything I was committed to and was doing on a weekly or monthly basis. Once everything was down on paper, he asked me what was most important. What did I want to do be doing? What could I let go of? What caused more stress than value? What was hurting my body? Not nourishing my soul?
It took us a couple of hours to get through this curate and cull process, looking for ways to cut out the distractions and make room for the things that really mattered. I left that meeting knowing that I would keep running, but could quit bootcamp. Would keep painting but quit voice lessons. Would keep Tuesday trivia nights with friends, but skip Thursday happy hours. That Pilates was a non-negotiable part of my life.
Since then, I’ve done these “curate and cull” sessions every couple of years. I have used his advice to direct hobbies, friendships, home decor, clothing choices and so much more.
That anonymous letter to the BOD was a reminder that it was probably time to listen to Dr. D again and curate and cull my commitments.
Every so often, sit down, take stock of your commitments. Curate your life like you would a piece of art. Keep the essentials. Let go of the noise. Leave space for what matters.
Some commitments have natural end limits. The Intro to Farming class just ended. My board term is up in May, and I won’t be seeking reelection. None of the kids signed up for Bee Group this year.
Instead, I’ll be spending that time:
Investing fully in Pilates Native and the Pilates instructor training program, rather than splitting my energy between too many projects
Using what I learned in farm class to turn our yard into an urban farmscape
Increasing my weekly running distances and keeping Strength Training and Pilates as important parts of my weekly routine
Scheduling a weekly art time and picking up brushes, paints, pencils, markers and messy things again
Writing more
Prioritizing weekly dates with family and friends, because those relationships deserve my full presence
The Power of Saying No
I used to believe that success was about adding more. More commitments, more projects, more friends, more accomplishments, more ways to contribute.
But Dr. D taught me that saying no wasn’t about doing less. It was about doing what mattered most and what brought the most value. Another mentor once said that we should aim for “deep, not wide”, which dovetails well with D’s advice.
That anonymous letter didn’t inspire me to work harder or add more volunteer activities to my schedule. It inspired me to sit down and take stock of my schedule. To choose my activities more intentionally, to create more space for what matters and to let go of things that have served their purpose.
At the end of the day, it’s not always about quantity, it’s also about quality. And every single relationship in my life, whether its family, friends or clients, deserves a Rubecca that shows up fully. With energy, clear priorities and the ability to hold space.
As spring break ends and I’ve spent a week fully embracing the trend of endless tv and social media scrolling known as “bed rotting”, I’m looking forward to putting the phone down, turning the tv off and heading back into the studio with a renewed energy, clearer priorities and a stronger sense of purpose.
I can’t wait to see you there.
-Rubecca
The Power of Correction Impulse
Posted on July 15, 2024 by pilatesnative
Hey there, what’s up, what’s going on, how are you?
Last night at dance lessons, I asked Caleb, my instructor, if he could recommend some you tube videos, social media accounts or websites that I could check out to learn more about the technique he was teaching. In a dramatic and hilarious fit that could only be thrown by a professional dancer, Caleb informed me that I could film him teaching the technique and then watch that. His main point was that he knew where the content he was providing came from and could vouch for the accuracy, something he couldn’t do with social media resources.
Fair point, Caleb. Fair point. Which brings us to today’s bugbear…
In the last few months, I’ve come across a shocking number of social media posts sharing incorrect, wrong, weird or downright dangerous Pilates content.
There seems to be a growing movement that normalizes falling off of the Pilates equipment. You may have seen the reel of an NFL star falling off of a reformer or come across a post of someone sharing their falling experience, in a way that makes it seem like it’s an every day normal occurrence, or even worse, a right of passage, in the Pilates world.
Spoiler alert- In the same way that falling off of a treadmill or a piece of equipment in the gym is rare, falling off of the Pilates equipment is not a normal every day occurrence.
At the same time, I’ve seen a number of tutorial reels showing how to set up specific equipment, in a way that is 100% wrong and dangerous. A video showing how to attach a jump board to the reformer had tons of views and engagements, but completely missed adding in the safety locks of the foot bar, which keeps that jump board stable and prevents it from snapping back out of position.
Turns out, sharing incorrect information actually creates a TON of engagement and is backed by science as a sure fire way to get folks to comment and share your content.
Scientifically speaking, the “correction impulse” or “correction reflex” is the innate desire humans have to correct wrong information. We have an almost insatiable need to correct misinformation and seek to share or find accurate information.
So while that post showing a pro athlete doing Pilates may get a few hundred likes and some comments, a post of a pro athlete falling off of the Pilates equipment garnered thousands of views and comments. The incorrect jump board tutorial video had tons of instructors commenting and engaging with the content, while a proper tutorial may have gone unnoticed.
You may have even noticed this trick with content creators using spelling errors, grammar errors or even the wrong name to boost engagement. A recent major equipment company posted a photo of a man doing Pilates and labeled it Christiano Ronaldo. Folks were quick to correct that is was in fact Lionel Messi. Turns out, it wasn’t either.
But that post had an insane amount of engagement, so what does it matter?
The “correction impulse” or “correction reflex” may drive engagement on social media, but accuracy and safety should always be the priority. As fitness professionals and enthusiasts, it’s crucial to be discerning about the content we consume and share. Relying on qualified instructors and reputable sources ensures that we are practicing and promoting Pilates in a way that truly benefits our bodies. Which means we also need those professionals to be discerning about what and how they’re sharing too.
So, the next time you come across a Pilates video or post, take a moment to consider Caleb’s advice and ask yourself , “can I trust this content and who can vouch for its accuracy?”.
The Power of NO
Posted on August 1, 2022 by pilatesnative
I said no!
Last week, I went into Ulta for the first time ever. As I was checking out, the cashier asked for my phone number. When I declined politely, she asked if I’d like to sign up for a rewards account. I declined again. She sighed, made a face and proceeded to ring up my items. With the total, she again asked if I wanted to sign up for an account based on how many points the purchase would get me.
With a stronger no, I declined. At this point, she became almost hostile and demanded a phone number for a friend or family member so they would get my purchase points credited to their account instead of wasting them.
At this point, three minutes into our transaction, I had said no four different times in four different ways. With each no, the cashier became less and less friendly and more and more frustrated while I became increasingly agitated and less and less polite.
Her resistance and hostility to accept my no locked us into a weird power struggle. In the past, I would have caved, rattled off my phone number while staring at the ground and feeling like a chump. Instead, I held my ground, accepting that my weird obsession with privacy and data mining was more important to me than this cashier’s feelings.
No wasn’t always easy for me and it’s a skill I’ve had to develop.
Whether it’s saying no or accepting a no, there is a complex internal struggle built into no.
When we say no to someone, it can trigger guilt, shame, and fear.
Am I a bad person for declining the $1 donation to a charity? Will the cashier treat us differently if we say no to their rewards program? Will our friends still like us if we say no to the midnight showing? Are we letting down our friends/family/selves if we say no to the expensive holiday activity? Will our kids be scarred for life when we say no to the extracurricular activity that requires getting up at 5am? Will my no to overtime cause the boss to skip over me at promotion time?
Saying no can also trigger FOMO (the fear of missing out). With the rise of social media, FOMO has run rampant and can cause a whole list of terrible things like depression, anxiety, feelings of loneliness and low self worth.
On a more serious note, no can also be a dangerous word. Many folks, particularly young women, have learned to dance around no as a means of self preservation. A passive or flakey answer can diffuse a situation in which a strong no would only escalate.
It’s not only our personal relationships that struggle with no. Entire industries, particularly sales and marketing, are built around manipulating us to say “YES!”.
With each no we want to give but override, we’re telling ourselves that what we need doesn’t matter.
With each yes we give, when we really want to say no, we’re accepting less sleep, more doubt, more weight, less health, more debt, less free time. We’re also telling ourselves over and over, that what we need doesn’t matter.
What does this have to do with Pilates?
With 30+ years experience as an athlete and 12+ teaching fitness, I’ve learned that most of us have been conditioned from a very young age to override our own “check engine lights”.
Instead of turning internally to guide our training, we have been taught and encouraged to depend on external sources like coaches, teachers, doctors, training plans and our sports dogmas to tell us when we take a break, when we get water, when we rest, when we eat, how much we sleep, what we eat and how we treat our bodies.
We’ve also been taught to override any feelings (mental/emotional/physical) that go against what our training plan says.
Feeling tired? Too bad. It’s tempo day.
Mentally burned out? Too bad. Lace up and get on the field.
Knee pain? Suck it up and run through it.
Jump too scary or too dangerous? It’s going to be effing awesome if you land it, so do it anyway!
The worst part, is that most of the time, it’s not even our coaches or trainers. We do this to ourselves.
Two things happen in this environment.
1) We’ve never been taught how and when to say no, so we don’t know how to do it. Often, we don’t even know that saying no is an option.
2) We lose the ability to listen to our own intuition and take care of our bodies.
As a runner, coming from a culture of “no pain, no gain” and “just run through it”, this is where 100% of my injuries came from. While a few days off could have easily helped manage Achilles tendonitis or shin splints, “running through it” meant severe pain that lasted for months and in a few cases, major issues that changed my life.
On a broader scale, the inability to say no can cause burnout, frustration, resentment, depression and fatigue. It also robs us of our ability to direct our time and energy into things we enjoy and frequently leaves us out of alignment with our priorities.
Luckily, saying no is a skill. And like all skills, we can start small, we can practice and we can strengthen the skill until we master it.
As a Pilates instructor, a mom, and an aunt, I pride myself on being a safe-no.
In fact, I am completely honored and internally cheer when one of my clients tells me no.
That no means:
they are listening to their body
they are advocating and communicating for what feels safe and what doesn’t
they are taking charge of their own Pilates practice and not just performing a “monkey see, monkey do” routine.
they are strengthening their “no muscle” along with the rest of their core muscles
they trust me and know that I’ll accept their no
As a safe-no, my job is to ensure that clients feel safe, empowered and confident that their no will be respected.
By offering a safe no, clients have a chance to check in with themselves and decide whether or not they are ready to take on the next challenge.
The true power of a safe-no is taking back our autonomy and intuition, in having the confidence to know when we need to back down and when we’re ready to scale up.
Injury prevention is rooted in scaling up appropriately.
If you’re up to it, allow yourself to say no to one thing today. Guilt free. Enjoy it!
-R